Following on from yesterday's post, a thought kept popping into my head today:- Am I busy in the evenings because I have more energy and motivation to do 'stuff', or am I keeping myself busy as a way to avoid downtime and temptation? There is no doubt that part of my drinking was/is.....in fact, that reminds me, if you will allow me a quick diversion; I keep struggling with tense when writing this blog! Is it too presumptuous to refer to drinking in the past tense? Does 10 days of abstention mean that I can refer to it as if I am a changed man? As if it were another lifetime? Another person? Probably not. However, for the purposes of this blog I will refer to it in the past tense, and hopefully as the days and weeks go by it wont sound quite so preposterous. Anyway, as I was saying, there is no doubt that part of the reason that many people drink is down to boredom and sometimes loneliness. I live by myself, and as much as I enjoy my own space, there is no doubt that occasionally it can be hard. I firmly believe that even in the closest relationship, no matter how well you get on with someone, spending all of your time with them is not healthy. I think that can be true of yourself as well. It sounds odd, but I end up getting on my own nerves! (I know, I know, amazing isn't it?...I can almost hear the incredulous cries of those of you that know me..."Paul? Annoying? Never!!") On many occasions I would head to the bar not because I particularly wanted to drink, but because I just wanted to be around other people. Of course the irony of this fool's errand is that sitting at a bar surrounded by groups of laughing friends can make you acutely aware of the fact that you are sitting in a primarily social environment, by yourself. There are only so many times you can check Facebook on your phone before it starts to make you feel worse than simply sitting at home watching TV! But you do it anyway, and you end up making conversation with someone clearly in the same situation as you, but your common reason for being there goes unmentioned out of a combination of mutual awkwardness and embarrassment. You muse over memories of the times you went out by yourself and had genuinely fun nights, or an interesting conversation, or pulled a random girl, and those thoughts keeps you there. (God, this is starting to sound like the words to 'How Soon is Now'!!..."there's a club if you like to go...so you go and you stand on your own...and you leave on your own...") Then someone buys you a shot, and you stay out late, and this creates a kind of negative feedback loop where you feel tired and irritable the next day so you cant be bothered doing anything after work, so you get bored and go back to the bar and...well, you get the picture. I'm probably being a little too negative there as I have had some great nights hanging out in my local, but I'm describing the negative side. In the past 10 days I've done something every night, and this is a new experience for me, or at least a feeling that I had forgotten. Obviously my training has really kicked up a gear, so even on the nights when I'm 'not doing anything' I'm still running, but I've also been shopping, attending shows, working late...is this because of a boost in energy and motivation, or deep down am I just trying to avoid being by myself without my usual escape route? As with most of the questions that I have pondered over the past couple of weeks, only time will tell!
As for the specifics of my temptation avoidance tactics/new found lease of life (delete as appropriate):- Today I stuck around at work a little later than usual. Not as late as yesterday, but I was certainly in no rush to leave. I then went to Paragon, the big sports store in Union Sq, to buy some compression sleeves for my calves. I was shocked to discover that they cost $50, but I bought them anyway as my training is already at such an intense level (by my standards) that I am willing to take all the help I can get, even if the 'help' is purely psychosomatic. On my way home I definitely noticed a diminished desire to head through the door as I walked past my local bar, although I am beginning to miss the locals. I have already told a few of them of this experiment so that they don't worry about me (it's that kind of place, the people are amazing) and I am thinking that eventually I will begin to visit again to enjoy a soda and catch up with everyone. I finished my evening with a 3.5 mile 'recovery run' through the streets of Greenpoint and Williamsburg. Once again I went out a little too quickly and finished in 24:22, which rather defeats the purpose of it being a recovery run. I forget that I've still got weight to lose, and I really dont want to get injured.
Tomorrow shall be an interesting test....a curry with 5 other English blokes at an Indian Restaurant. I'm pretty sure it's illegal, or at the very least not advisable, to go to a curry house and not drink, so it's going to feel weird! I'm already worried that I'll discover the curry house experience isnt quite the same without a pint of Kingfisher and the haze of a some pre-dinner beers!
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